What Helps Me...

When I woke up after surgery, my first thought was “I'm alive!”

I soon discovered that I had a total loss of feeling and movement from my hips to my toes. Somehow, in that moment, it didn't matter. I was alive!

Since my emergency room admittal, I had the tumor removed, my spine decompressed, some of my spine cemented, and rods put in for stability. I had 10 days in post-opt. Pillows were tucked in all around me to prevent me from rolling on my back. Since I couldn't move by myself, the nurses had to roll me over every 2 hours to prevent bed sores, but also intense nerve pain that would build up. It is too long to explain how they roll you over, but it is a PROCESS to move an immobile person with back injury! And then they tucked all of my pillows around me. I was known on the floor as the “Princess and the Pea”. I have to say, I hated that name.

In all of it, from the beginning, God carried me through in an amazing way. He gave me a peace beyond understanding and even a joy that surprised me. I don't know where it came from. It wasn't me. It was the presence of the Lord with me, giving me strength. While I know he supported me with his Spirit, I also believe I held onto some theological beliefs that helped me keep, and even grow, my faith. These are what I want to share, if it is at all helpful.

From the beginning, Sam and I held onto the belief that God is in control and God is good. It was my bedrock thought that kept me from feeling out of control - when clearly I was! God is in control because he is all-powerful, all-knowing, Sovereign Lord with all-authority in Heaven and on Earth. God is good because he is love, merciful, a Father, and provider. He is compassionate and cares for me. Sometimes when there is suffering or pain it is hard to reconcile these two truths. There are people who have written more on this than I have ever thought about. I guess the next two thoughts are how I process through that struggle of God being good, but bad stuff happening. That, and I stay far away from  the question "Why?" or "Why me?" It doesn't help. It can't be answered. And it focuses on me. It's basically a mind trip to nowhere.  

The second belief that we held onto was that Christ is with us in suffering. It wasn't promised that we would never suffer. In fact, the bible says pretty clearly that we will. What we can be sure of though, is that he walks through it with us and we are not alone. More than that though, our suffering itself has purpose. God promises to use even the worse times for good. The suffering we experience is used to shape our character. It is used to comfort others in their distress. Ultimately we know that suffering, pain, trials are temporary. With Christ in us, we will join him in heaven where there is no more suffering. It is one of the things that will make heaven - Heaven.

Finally, God is sovereign. So here's the thing: God is able to cure me in an instant. And I pray that he does! He has the power to do it! And I believe in miracles. But....he can do what he wants. Even if that means my prayers don't get answered the way I want. Even if that means my cancer doesn't get cured. He is in charge, the Sovereign King, the Lord over all...who has a plan. My task is to surrender to his plan. It goes back to my first post. Surrender is possible, because of who we are surrendering to. God is good. He is merciful and full of compassion. I believe he grieves over my pain. But His perspective is eternal - he knows all and sees all at all time.

So...what helps me....

God is in control and good.

Christ is with me.

God is sovereign.