Surrender

In Dec 2015 my chronic back pain had escalated to the point that I had collapsed on the floor and couldn't get up. That's when we called 911 and I was taken to the ER. I had an MRI and a rather large tumor was found on my spine at T9-T11. As I was waiting for surgery, my spine had a compression collapsing on the nerves. What I experienced was sudden pain, despite the pain killers I was on, but more disturbing was a hot liquid feeling that oozed down my spine to my legs leaving a path of numbness and loss of feeling. Needless to say I was scared! But then for a moment it began to go upward. In my pain and confusion I thought “it's going to go up to my heart and I'm going to die”. In that moment, all I could do was surrender. My husband. My children. To God. I was leaving and I would not be able to look after them anymore.

Although, I did not die, and was probably not at risk for death in that moment:), it was the starting point of this journey for me. Surrender. Over and over again I come to the place of not being in control or able. Of not knowing the outcome. Of needing to make decisions for my kids I was not ready to make. And so I need to surrender everything. My kids. My husband. My future. My healing or my lack of healing.

 The key for me is who I am surrendering it all too - my God, my Lord Jesus, Yahweh, the Almighty, my Counselor, my Healer and so much more. He was with me in my scariest moments in the hospital and the rehab that followed. And when I say “with me” I mean “WITH ME”. In the ER, in the hospital and rehab. His presence was there giving me hope, peace and strength in one of the most tangible ways I have known. Coming through that, I can truly know that whatever happens, when I need him most he is trustworthy and true. He is good. And he is faithful. And most of all he loves me and will not forsake me. In short – he is worth surrendering my all too.