Into the Unknown

Today I woke up, looked at the calendar, and started to freak out – this is happening soon! In seven days I start at Stanford! I don't even really know what I am getting myself into. They have a whole binder dedicated to give “information” about what to expect, but I really don't know what it will be like for me.

It's scary. The unknown...

I do better when I am “in it” than when I am anticipating a thing that might be painful, uncomfortable, or chaotic. I take some comfort that my negative anticipation of events are almost always worse than the real thing. Lucky for me I have these tattoos on my body that remind me my imagination almost always gets the better of me. I got them from my radiation treatment.

I was extreamly nervous about getting tattooed as I have heard they are quite painful. So I lay down on this narrow bed under the radiation machine. I'm looking at this picture on the ceiling of a cherry blossom tree (put there to induce feelings of calm). My heart is racing as they line me up under this lazer machine. They position me and mark me. And then...tattoo me so they can get the same alignment every time! I got 4 marks.

Ok....the “tattoos” are the size of a freckle. It felt like four little pinpricks...and was done! All of that worry and fear and anxiety - I felt ridiculous!

Well, I'm scared now. I have to talk myself down quite a bit. A big thing is just focusing on what's right in front of me and not getting too far ahead of myself. For today, that meant lining up childcare while my mom, Sam and I take our classes next week...Checking insurance coverage (again) ...Arranging appointments with cleaners...date for car interior detailed(I have no idea what is under the car seat)...calling the hotel(we need to be close for part of the treatment)...

In short – panicing.

I want everything to go just right. But this is not right! None of this is right! Do you know they are recommending a medic alert bracelet for me. I'm 41! I don't know whether to laugh or cry! I cry out to God – in all of it! And then...sometimes not right away...but...then...if I wait....if I focus on Christ and not the chaos....the calm returns and I find rest in Him.

I love how this pendulum of emotions is expressed in Psalm 116:3-7. I can identify with it so much.

The snares of death encompassed me;

the pangs of Sheol laid hold on me;

I suffered distress and anguish.

Then I called on the name of the Lord:

“O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!”

Gracious is the Lord, and righteous;

our God is merciful.

The Lord preserves the simple;

when I was brought low, he saved me.

Return, O my soul, to your rest;

for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

For you have delivered my soul from death,

my eyes from tears,

my feet from stumbling;

I will walk before the Lord

in the land of the living.

I believed, even when I spoke:

“I am greatly afflicted”;

I am in one of those seasons. Yes! I am afraid and afflicted! And YES, I believe!

2 Weeks, Part 2: God's Timing

So my first week in rehab ended with Christmas. My second week ended with a release home on New Year's Day. To quickly sum up the last week: it was about prepping me with the skills to go home. An appointment with me spine doctor to check my incision and healing of my back, continued therapies and a heart change that was ready to be with my kids again.

I still felt worried! “I'm not ready!”, I thought. I want to walk out of here! I don't want my husband being my nurse: helping me in the shower, or bathroom or helping me dress. I was worried about the home physical therapy and whether it would be frequent enough. It certainly would not be 1.5 hours daily!

I can see in hindsight, that though coming home presented itself with many challenges: my kids needed me home, my healing still progressed, the changes in my relationship with Sam brought us closer and brought a new level of trust between us, and ultimately God knew what was best and what I could handle.

So back to today! I am anticipating a long awaited intake appointment at Stanford tomorrow. This will begin the process of getting my stem cell transfer started! I'm scared and excited. One of my biggest concerns is about the timing. Start to finish, I am anticipating about a 6 week process of taking the stem cells out to eventually putting them back in and looking for signs of engraftment (where my immune system accepts the new cells and begins to make new blood cells again). I will basically be isolated during this time, only going out to doctor appointments, and having a lot of hand washing and wearing masks in the house. This would be followed by approx 3 months of “being careful” of infections.

I think it will start soon. I also have 2 important dates that I want to be able to be present to for my son and family. The first is Oliver's entry into public school for the first time on August 18th. I have reason to believe that it might be a tough transition for him and I would like to be available to support him through it. The second date is September 8-13, which is Oliver's birthday followed by a church weekend at KOA where we usually celebrate his birthday. We missed last year and I am pretty determined that the kids WILL go this year:) I just would love to go with them: a long shot!

I am trusting God in the timing of all. I know my plans and how I would want things to go, but God's got the big picture with all of the moving parts, the needs of everyone (not just me), and what the future holds. His timing is good and I'm going to trust in it, even if it not mine.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge him,

 and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Rough Times, Sustaining Hope

I am going to take a break in the recap of the past and share some of my heart for what is going on in my life today. It has been a sad couple of weeks as my family and I have been mourning the loss of my uncle. He died recently of stomach cancer after a good fight, and will be greatly missed.

At the same time, my mother (Uncle Nick's sister), step-father and nephew have all been here visiting. It has been good to see them and the cousins are full of commotion and fun all day long! It has been good to see them all together! It's been a good visit. Today they are all at the beach. For now I can't do the beach, so I was thrilled to have my boys go for the first time this summer! And I don't mind the house to myself:)

So here I am, catching you all up. Friday I will be going to my oncologist for a final check before transfering my care to Stanford. I will get one last week of infusion before going for my first check-in at Stanford on the 14th. It will amount to a 3 hour appointment in which I hope to get some questions answered. I still do not know when I will be getting the stem cell transfer done or what the recovery time is. It makes it hard to plan for me, my mom (who will be staying with us), and Sam (who will be taking time off work). I guess the not knowing makes it tough. It is also harder having a long time to think about it and read about it. It doesn't sound easy!

So the stress is getting to me. The neuropathy is getting to me. I'm having a hard time gearing up for this next big stage after 4 months of chemo. Please pray for renewed strength and joy as I am feeling tuckered out emotionally.

On the other hand I just want to get this thing done! So I am hoping it will start soon and be over soon! I would love to be over the worst of it in the next month or so!

This passage gave me encouragement last week:

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. (1 Corinthians 4:16-5:1)

These are the two thoughts that keep me going. The first is that whether or not I make it through this trial or this affliction and live a longer life, I have learned so much and God has been shaping me tremendously through this. The second is that If I don't do so well with the treatment, I will be getting a new body in heaven. That might seem like a small comfort to some of you:) However, I have been thinking about heaven a lot lately. That might sound like a morbid thing; it really is not.

“For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

Fixing my eyes on the eternal helps me not lose heart. “Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13. Love never fails. It endures. Through life and through death. Moreover, God is love. He is with me. He is with my loved ones. My children and husband, my parents and sister, my friends and family. He is with those who mourn.

So, yes, the situation is sucky. But it could be a lot worse without the comfort and peace of knowing that the worse outcome - death - will carry me on to something better - eternal life. Just as importantly, I can trust the Lord with those I love and those who love me. I can hope for healing and surrender to a loving God all of the results, knowing his grace is sufficient for me.