Into the Unknown

Today I woke up, looked at the calendar, and started to freak out – this is happening soon! In seven days I start at Stanford! I don't even really know what I am getting myself into. They have a whole binder dedicated to give “information” about what to expect, but I really don't know what it will be like for me.

It's scary. The unknown...

I do better when I am “in it” than when I am anticipating a thing that might be painful, uncomfortable, or chaotic. I take some comfort that my negative anticipation of events are almost always worse than the real thing. Lucky for me I have these tattoos on my body that remind me my imagination almost always gets the better of me. I got them from my radiation treatment.

I was extreamly nervous about getting tattooed as I have heard they are quite painful. So I lay down on this narrow bed under the radiation machine. I'm looking at this picture on the ceiling of a cherry blossom tree (put there to induce feelings of calm). My heart is racing as they line me up under this lazer machine. They position me and mark me. And then...tattoo me so they can get the same alignment every time! I got 4 marks.

Ok....the “tattoos” are the size of a freckle. It felt like four little pinpricks...and was done! All of that worry and fear and anxiety - I felt ridiculous!

Well, I'm scared now. I have to talk myself down quite a bit. A big thing is just focusing on what's right in front of me and not getting too far ahead of myself. For today, that meant lining up childcare while my mom, Sam and I take our classes next week...Checking insurance coverage (again) ...Arranging appointments with cleaners...date for car interior detailed(I have no idea what is under the car seat)...calling the hotel(we need to be close for part of the treatment)...

In short – panicing.

I want everything to go just right. But this is not right! None of this is right! Do you know they are recommending a medic alert bracelet for me. I'm 41! I don't know whether to laugh or cry! I cry out to God – in all of it! And then...sometimes not right away...but...then...if I wait....if I focus on Christ and not the chaos....the calm returns and I find rest in Him.

I love how this pendulum of emotions is expressed in Psalm 116:3-7. I can identify with it so much.

The snares of death encompassed me;

the pangs of Sheol laid hold on me;

I suffered distress and anguish.

Then I called on the name of the Lord:

“O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!”

Gracious is the Lord, and righteous;

our God is merciful.

The Lord preserves the simple;

when I was brought low, he saved me.

Return, O my soul, to your rest;

for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

For you have delivered my soul from death,

my eyes from tears,

my feet from stumbling;

I will walk before the Lord

in the land of the living.

I believed, even when I spoke:

“I am greatly afflicted”;

I am in one of those seasons. Yes! I am afraid and afflicted! And YES, I believe!