60 Days

It is now 60 days post transplant! It is one of those markers that for me means one less medication and being done with my hepa-filter mask in all circumstances.

My mom has just left after coming out to help us again. She took me to my driving appointments, practiced in the neighborhood with me, and got me truly independent! So, 60 days and I am back driving again for the first time in a year!

60 days...

My mom has left, the meals have stopped, Sam is working full time again...the house is quiet.

60 days...things are starting to feel like a new “normal” with dishes and laundry, kids to pick up and homework. I am starting to walk around the neighborhood with my canes and do my stretches.

I have come so far! God has answered so many prayers of healing. I am so grateful, when I think about my paralysis, wheelchair, and central nervous system issues that have all disappeared. And still, I hope for more. Some days I feel like I am being greedy for blessings. Some days I feel like God is done with me. Some days I still feel frustrated with my neuropathy and want it to all go away...now.

So, I keep asking and praying for more healing. I have thoughts like, “Well, I can ASK can't I?”. And “God is not miserly.” “David describes his cup as overflowing.” And “God has been merciful to me this far, why not further?” I don't know who I am argueing with... I know I don't deserve the blessing I have already received. I don't deserve the “more” that I am asking for.

I guess that's the rub...to know I have received so much already that others haven't and still be wanting more healing. The conflict is within me, not with God. He is good and generous. He is abundant and powerful. He can heal and bless and do miracles all day and it doesn't detract from anyone or anything else he is caring for. There is no limit with him. He knows my value. He knows my doubts and fears and failings. He knows I am his child.

So I am back to where I always end up. God is good. He is merciful. He has a plan for me. I can trust in him. And, yes, I can ASK, because it is only by grace that anything of God's can be taken into my life.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies;

you anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord

 forever.