Homesick

Is it weird to do an update here? Now? It’s been almost 2 years since my last post. (My mind is going to some movie scene “Father, It’s been 2 years since my last confession.” But I’m not Catholic, so I’ll try to quiet that voice and get on with writing.) And I thought I'd add a recent picture for posterity (ignore the dirty dishes in the background).

I find myself in a quiet house this Friday morning…always a dangerous place to be! It is in the quiet that those inner voices begin to chatter…the ones that ask the tough questions. The ones that remind you of where you have been and ask you where you are going.

And so, I come back to writing... Again. Consequently, I came back here. To this blog. And re-reading a few of my posts, I find it strange to be standing now, in what was then, an unknown future. I read and am comforted again. It seems like I have come so far…and then…it seems like I am living in many of those same places STILL.

Still asking for healing. Still thankful. Still scared.

Today, I get to tell my earlier self that I am able to do so much more. I am walking without assistance and able to climb a stair or two. (Most people wouldn’t guess there is anything wrong with my body.) I can tell her that the boys are doing great! I can tell her it’s been a good 2 years of family and friends and Jesus. I can tell her most of all, that my life is not over…it is still unfolding.

There is one thing though that is unexpected. Something that has changed. When she broke so bitterly…when I broke so bitterly…my heart never healed. My heart is always a little wounded and open and bleeding. I am more sensitive to the pain around me and feel it all more acutely. And some mornings…like this one…all I can do is sit in it and wish I could change it…and when I am feeling completely insufficient…I pray...

For you who are hurting, I pray for comfort.

You who are wounded and sick, I pray for healing.

You who are lost, I pray for revelation and direction.

You who are scared, I pray for courage.

And you who are bitter, may you find forgiveness.

And you World! You, World! You are groaning too! And so is my Spirit.

And so are we all! We long for something more! Something greater!

Maybe this morning, I am just feeling a little homesick.

Homesick for you Lord.

And, so I pray for myself. I pray for the homesick. May we feel you close today.

May we trust in your goodness and love in the brokenness.

Amen