I am halfway there! I went through the
stem cell extraction. It went well - I think. I started off strong
with almost no reactions to the chemo. “This is going well.” I
thought. “Almost too well...is it working?”. Then it hit hard and
fast and all at once. Thursday, August 11th, it all
started to happen at once. A fever, a headache, and a trip to the ER.
I ended up staying until Sunday – two blood transfusions later. My
white blood cells, red blood cells and platelets had all dropped
dangerously low. Interestingly, the blood transfusions can only take
care of the red blood cells and platelets. My shots were suppose to
get back the white blood cells, but it was a waiting game for when
they would kick back in. I have never felt so sick or so tired. I was
glad to be in the hospital. And then when my white blood cells came
back up, I started feeling like myself again within the day! It was
amazing how fast it turned around!
I think I was home one day before my
hair started falling out.
It started like a bad dream. I would
run my fingers through my hair and a HUGE clump would just come right
out. I tried not to touch it. I tried to hold onto that hair as long
as I could, because Oliver's first day of school was on Thursday!
That was enough stress for him. I was trying to hold out until the
weekend to shave it off. I made it to Thursday night :( What a tough
time for my big guy....for all of us.
Let me be real honest here: I don't
like being bald. I do not feel “pretty”...most of the time now.
When I had my hair, even though I had the canes/walker/wheelchair,
the port under my skin or hanging from my chest, and the “baby”
weight I always hoped to lose, I still felt....feminine. I took a
certain pride in that feature. I liked my hair!
Now...It feels so strange to look in
the mirror and see a bald head. I am in search of hats and scarves. I
am wearing makeup regularly for the first time – EVER! I did a
little clothes shopping. You know what helped the most? Nothing!!! I
tell you, it sucks!
Ok, seriously – my husband is helping
me through this one BIG TIME!
As I was sharing my struggle with him,
he recalled with disdain all the posters and magazines in the
Oncology waiting room of these lovely looking cancer patients. “It
is such a fake image” he cried out to me in his indignation! “Where
are the pictures of the tired women, the frail, the sick.” Even the
images of women who are sick have been plastered over with ligthing
and makeup to maintain that message - “A Woman's Most Valued Asset
is Her Looks”. No wonder I was struggling!
There is more to me than my health or
hair or weight or clothes or job or whatever! I can sense it - a
familiar “me” that is under all of that outward stuff. It is my
heart and soul. The “me” that is eternal and uniquely created.
Psalm 139 is often read regarding God knitting us together in our
mother's womb. Here are a few other verses I pulled out that speak to me.
O Lord, you have
examined my heart
and know
everything about me. v.1
“Everything about me” is in
my heart. All of the things God cares about are in our hearts. All of
the important things about us are there – inside, not out.
You saw me before
I was born.
Every day of my
life was recorded in your book. Vs 16
God “sees” us. He knows us from
before birth and sees and knows the entire course of our lives before
we live it. He is the El-roi (God who sees me). He sees our
circumstances, our hearts, our devotion, our rebellion, our pride,
our surrender – all of it! All of us! I think the root of desiring to be beautiful is wanting to be noticed...to stand out as
special. God NOTICES us!!! His attention is on us!
How precious are
your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
They cannot be
numbered! vs. 17
Even in all of the “seeing” that
God does, his thoughts are not unkind. They are precious. They are
loving. He thinks about me! How remarkable is that! The only one that
can know me completely – inside and out - loves me! His thoughts
about me cannot be numbered! His love is steadfast!
But sometimes you just want to feel
pretty to your husband.
Today was one of those days! When I
said goodbye to Sam this morning, we looked into each other's eyes
and SAW each other! Saw the strength, the struggle, the togetherness,
the love, the commitment to each other – and we smiled. And yes, I
felt beautiful again!
